"Assa the leading experta onna da siege warfare, I am often asked, how canna we maka da gates so thata, they can't be broken by the batteringa-rams and the bigga giants with the tree branches. I say to them, ey stupido, you cann'ta stoppa dem lika dat. Watta you gotta do is maka the gates so small that they can'ta be hit by the big balls and the trees and things. You maka da gates so they only four foota high, howa a gianta going to get his 'ead through? Smarta thinking, eh? But you heara complaints alla de time. The people can'ta get througha gates, they say, anda we donta have a siege all de time. You can'ta helpa some people."
- —Giovanni Marmalodi, extract A Treatise for de Deliverance of Cities, pg. 509[2]
Giovanni Marmalodi (2477 IC to the present day) is a Tilean Myrmidian priest from Tobaro who has become a noted expert in siege warfare. In his career he has been also a paymaster and a mercenary captain, but is mostly known as the writer of the book A Treatise for de Deliverance of Cities, considered the definitive guide to the storming of fortresses by Tobarans. Some defines him a charlatan, such as military strategist Gossippa Lotta.[1a][3a]
He was advisor of Brazino Inneundo before his assassination.[1b]
Marmalodi's style is brusque and unsentimental, and more politically-minded Myrmidians feel that he makes for a poor example of a figurehead. They point to his advice that fortress gates be made to be no more than four feet high in order to foil attacks by Giants and Ogres and cite it as a typical example of what happens if military strategy is prioritised over other obvious considerations. This lack of perspective has made Giovanni a figure of fun in cities such as Verezzo and Miragliano.[3a]
Weapons[]
The Tilean Paperweight of Giovanni Marmalodi
- Tilean Paperweight - A magical Dagger gifted to Giovanni Marmalodi as part-payment for services rendered. Deep distrust of magic led to the mercenary captain never wielding the weapon, he instead kept it on his desk, as trophy and occasional paperweight. During the End Times it fell in the hands of Sienna Fuegonasus a mage of fire from Estalia.[4]
Quotes[]
"Issa stupido to builda a wall iffa you ain' agonna hide behind it."
- —Giovanni Marmalodi, extract A Treatise for de Deliverance of Cities[2]
"Whena you are defending a castillo, retreat issa not a worda you canna use. You still gotta capitulation, surrenda, submitta, yield, crappa da pantsa, be a doormat, wava the white flag..."
- — Marmalodi: Ibid, pp. 525-579 and appendix[2]
"There issa' nothing lika da siege for da true spirit of war! When I sit inna' the camp, watching the enginesa' shooting de great big rocks at the walls, and smashing de place up, itta' warms my heart. You canna keppa' your battles and all that noisy cavalry boom-boom stuff. Give me a ballista and plenty of distance, and I show you howa a real manna' fights!"
- —Giovanni Marmalodi, extract from A Treatise for de Deliverance of Cities, pg. 509[2b]
"It issa mucha disputed as to what are da besta weapons fora making de siege. You gotta de stona throwers anna de bolt throwers, anna alla kinda cannons. Gunpowder is a greata invention. Iffa you can getta holda of a few mortars or bombards, you canna make de big holes in de walls. But you gotta have de right ammunition. So a stona thrower canna be justa as good. For ammunition, you can digga uppa de rocks 'an de stones, our use de big balls, or you can shoot dayd peoples over the wall to make the place stink. You canna even maka de spaghetti and shoota dat, or de razor-edged pizza."
- —Giovanni Marmalodi, extract A Treatise for de Deliverance of Cities, pg 822[2a]
"You can'ta just ignore a castillo. De men insida might be naughty fellows and attacka you once you marcha by. De smarta-alek words for dis is dat dey remain a treat to communications. Dis is right. Anda iffa you don't get the letters from home, howa you gonna know how your mama is?"
- —Giovanni Marmalodi, Ibid, pg. 109[2]
"I canna tell you that it wassa me who invented one of the foremosta techniques used inna siege warfara. Back a few yearsa back we hadda war agaynst a city just along the coast. They wera very naughty fellows, and tried to make ussa pay sixteen taxes to use the road through their town, when alla civiliseda world only makes people pay ten. So we wenta to their city and we maka de attack. But no good. So, being sensible good fellows as well as de heroesa, we maka de camp and starta de siege. Betweena de syesta anna de tea brayk - every other day - we maka de great attack against the walls for halfa hour or more and we getta de big guns to go boom-boom agaynst de walls. But stilla dey don'ta listen to de reason. So the Kinga said to me, Marmalodi, grayt chap and close friend who issa gonna get de medals bya de 'atlot on account offa being so brave, Marmalodi he said, how we gonna get inside the city with nobody get hurt, least of all me? Well, I tella him, the trouble is that each time we marcha uppa to de walls, dose naughty boys dey droppa de rocks on our 'eads and make with de shooting of de arrows. We needa to sneak up on dem a little bit. If we digga de mine, we canna go right under de walls and come up in a nica little restaurant whicha ain't to dear. So, we starta da mine. But de men dey say de dirt maka de uniforms all mucky and deyre mothers dey no thinka dey grayt soldiers in da war lika dat 'ero Marmalodi. So we haveta maka de mine notta so deep and withouta de top. You mighta calla it a trench. But, we still dig towardsa de walls. Something go a little wronga witha de direction a bit, an' we end up missing the town a bit, so I maka de corrections and offa we go again. But we missa de walls agayn. Well, thisa went on for few days, and we zigged and zagged until we reached de walls. And whaddaya know, because the trench she no strayt, the enemy in the town coulda not see inna de trench and maka de arrows. So they give up, anda nobody get hurt. Marmalodi say de King. De trench she no strayt. You are a sappa, he say. So, nowa you know. So, dis is how de sappers get started."
- —Giovanni Marmalodi, Ibid, page 1248 [2]
"Dear Lucrezzia, at last that idiot Brazino Inneundo ate the wrong kind of mushroom, the one that was meant for him! Of course, they think it was you. I heard that the cook was tortured into confession and mentioned your name, like they always do. Far be it from me to point the finger, but one cannot help admiring the expert choice of time and place! Brazino paid far too much attention to that fool Marmalodi. Now someone else will take charge of defending the city and will probably successed in holding on to it. Of course, you can rely on me not to breath a word of my suspicions to anyone!
Yours, Gossippa Lotta"
- —From a collection of letters sent by Gossippa Lotta to various Princes and other notables. This letter was sent to Lucrezzia Belladonna and refers to the poisoning of the Mercenary General hired to defend the city of Trantio against besieging forces of Luccini. It is interesting to note that Gossippa is said to have employed a succession of Halfling food tasters in the years following the siege of Trantio.[1b]
"Issa very important to understand the minds of these mercenary fellows. Some, they are only interested inna gold. Gold, gold, gold, it's all they care about. Others, well they have their heads inna clouds, anna it's all exploring and discovering. They say, "I wassa first person to discover this famous temple," an', "1 wassa first person to sail on suchandsuch a sea," anna they is forever boasting and telling enormous whoppers when we all know they's never been further than Blood River. Then again, some, well some is just here for da fighting or da beer or da laydies... anna you 'ave to watch them fellows pretty closely!
I'll tell you a story to show you what I mean. Once there wassa this paymaster fellow who says to da general, "Look, we 'as forgotten to pay this Golgfag who issa captain of them big fine Ogres what done so well inna big bash last week." Anna before the general can say a word this paymaster he takes uppa bag a gold an he rides off to where these Ogres are layin' around breakin' and throwin' things lika they do. He was in sucha rush to give this Golgfag hissa gold that be didn't stop to listen to da. general. Now da general, of course, he coulda told him that this Ogre fellow he doesn't want gold. What use issa gold to da Ogre? You canna notta eat it, now can you? These Ogres, they wants paying inna meat... anna real fresh meat too if you takes my meaning.
So, whadya think happens to this paymaster? I'll tellya whadda happens. He is never seen again! Just this li'll pila bones outside of Golgfag's tent is all that's left of him, anna this funny li'll hat with da feather in it that even da Ogres wouldn't touch. Anna next time Golgfag sees da general he says, "Hey general, me anna da lads didn't think much of da supper lassa night... alla skin and bones it was lika some Elf.. and if things don't improve we shall have to be moving on an' no messin'." An dat was dat... anna next paymaster... well dat was me an, as you know, well I'm mucha too smarta fellow to end up inna Ogre's belly."
- —Giovanni Marmalodi A Treatise upon the Art of Generalship.[1c]
Sources[]
- 1: Warhammer Armies: Dogs of War (5th Edition)
- 2: Warhammer Siege: Rulebook (3rd Edition)
- 3: Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay 4th Edition: Up in Arms (RPG)
- 3a: pg. 68
- 4: Warhammer: Vermintide II (PC Game)