"Oh foolish barbarians! I offer you all the benefits of civilisation: roads, hot baths, money, public buildings and Tilean poetry. Submit and all these things can be yours!"
- —Curious Geasar to the tribesmen of Albion[1a]
Curious Geasar was the "first citizen" of the Republic of Remas in Tilea and a Mercenary General and would-be conqueror. With his hitherto undefeated mercenary army, he reached the shores of the misty island of Albion, and landed despite resistance from the primitive natives and above all the Giants of Albion, the constant rain and the curses of the island's druids.[1a]
Discovery of Albion[]
The Giants of Albion fight the Reman troops of Geasar.
Albion remained shrouded in the dark mists of legend until Geasar set foot on the island, leading his invincible army. Geasar sought fame and power in Remas and how better to win it than to conquer misty and mysterious Albion, rumored to be full of gold and pearls and the treasure of the legendary Triton himself. As the Reman galleys ploughed through the surging surf onto the shingle on the beach, the Giants of Albion Cachtorr and Bologs stood on the cliffs, hurling rocks down onto the ships, smashing them to pieces. The Reman troops were filled with horror and were scared to wade ashore. So Geasar heaved the army's pay chest over the side of the ship into the surf, scattering the gold among toe pebbles and jumped ashore after it. Seeing this, the entire army did likewise until the pay chest was safe behind their battle line.[1a]
Ignoring the boulders of the Giants and stepping over the fallen, Geasar and his army marched up the beach. Soon they found themselves confronted by all the savage tribes of Albion, a number of Giants, and demented druids uttering dire curses, formed up in battle array on the cliffs, and then it rained. The mercenaries stubbornly refused to go any further! Curious Geasar was enraged. How could he return to Remas in triumph now? What exotic booty could he bring back to awe the multitudes? How could he boast of his conquest of distant and mysterious Albion?[1a]
Angrily Geasar strode forward and harangued the multitudes of savage tribesmen. "Oh foolish barbarians! I offer you all the benefits of civilisation: roads, hot baths, money, public buildings and Tilean poetry. Submit and all these things can be yours!" The tribes of Albion just glowered at him. Then he heard a single word bellowing back at him out of the fog and driving rain: "BOLOGS!" All at once the Giant's battle cry was taken up by the Albion tribesmen banging their clubs and stone axes against their shields and the sides of their chariots and chanting "Bologs, Bologs, Bologs!"[1a]
Geasar was dismayed and ordered his men to charge. The battle was fierce with victory going to neither side. After a day's fighting, with the mist-shrouded sun descending into the sea, the two sides paused a few yards apart, utterly exhausted. Geasar tried one last gamble to save face. He could not return to Remas humiliated, in order to win popularity with the mob. Geasar strode forth and shouted: "Give me Giants as hostages and I will go away." The druids who knew Tilean from their occasional contacts with foreign merchants considered his offer.[1a]
They knew that their stone axes were no match for Tilean steel. At long last old Hengus volunteered to go and chose two smaller Giants to go with him. As they strode forward, Geasar shouted, "I want the big ones!" and pointed to Cachtorr and Bologs, the greatest of the Giants of Albion. Despite the protests of the tribesmen, the druids sent forth the two mighty Giants to be hostages in Remas in order to save old Albion from conquest and the tribes from enslavement or worse, the decadence of luxury and civilisation.[1a]
Geasar repaired half his fleet and sailed away with his Giant hostages wading in the sea behind him, tied by anchor chains. The moment Geasar's fleet arrived in Remas, word spread throughout the city. Geasar's political opponents had waited until this very moment and hastily made way to the harbor. They gathered around the mighty conqueror as he came ashore and showered him with the usual groveling praises. This was just to put him off-guard, for instantly he was horribly done to death with many daggers. Up came the cry "Geasar is dead, long live the republic!"[1a]
Geasar's battered and seasick soldiers panicked and scattered, seizing what gold they could in the confusion. One of them, out of spite against the city rather then pity for their plight, broke the chains that bound the Giants and released Hengus from the hold. Moments later Cachtorr and Bologs stormed ashore and went on a rampage through the streets of Remas, causing the citizens to flee in abject terror. Soon the Giants were in open country, spreading fear and panic throughout Tilea with Hengus close behind.[1a]
Trivia[]
"Curious Geasar, First Citizen of Remas" is likely a reference to Julius Caesar, the one-time dictator of the Roman Republic. Geasar's exploits in Albion run parallel to Julius Caesar's invasions of Britain in 55 and 54 B.C. Both were also assassinated.
It is also possible that Curious Geasar's name may also loosely be a reference to Curious George, a fictional monkey who is the title character of a series of popular children's picture books written by Margret and H. A. Rey and illustrated by Alan Shalleck.
A "Geezer" is also British Cockney slang for an affable but morally dubious man.